Questions?/A Little Meltdown

I have failed to write a Blog all weekend, mainly because I was either not at my house or because I was super tired and didn't feel like writing one.

Now I know in previous posts I have talked about me not looking to far into the future and trying to take my life one day at a time. But as I sit at my house alone I can't help but ponder what is in store for me in the coming year, I am not trying to make plans but simply run all the different possibilities that my life can go through my head. Will I be moved out if this house by the beginning of next year? If not, then how long will it possibly be before we [Jeremy, Eric and I] get our shit together and be absolutely ready to move out? Will I be able to handle it not just financially but mentally and emotionally? What do I need to do to get ready to support myself? I could keep going and going with questions that I constantly ask myself. On my days off with no money that is my hobby, ask my self questions and come up with multiple scenarios whether it be positive or negative(yea I know what a sad hobby) but this coming Friday I will get my first "real" paycheck and again I find myself questioning. After gas money what do I have left? How much do I need to put away towards Black Friday? Should I use some of this money to start socializing again/have fun? If I use up this paycheck will I have enough money for Black Friday with whatever paychecks I will receive between now and then? So I constantly am trying to figure out the best possible outcome for myself(oh shit that would be considered planning ahead) screw it I can't live day by day that's not the kind of person that I am. I have to completely think every decision through(I guess it would take me forever to play Fable 2) I have to think about every possible outcome and the consequences that would follow. When I go into a situation I love already knowing what I need to do for the best result(I think that is why I never acted on my hatred towards Michael Rush, because I thought about what would happen if I in fact did act on my gut instincts[which was to kill him]) With so many situations to think about coming up in the next few months, I have been going crazy thinking about what I need to do to be happy with my life.

Going back to our possible moving out, this weekend I realized something we are a lot farther from moving out than we thought again not financially but mentally and emotionally. The three of us are very different and we are all at different stages. Eric- has a job and has had it awhile so he actually has money saved up, but I feel that he really doesn't care if he moves out or not because he has a pretty easy life as of right now. From what I have seen he has a great relationship with his parents and usually does or gets pretty much what he wants, overall he is very content with his situation in life. Jeremy- used to be able to get what he wanted but now that the economy has taken a dive and his dad is being a JEW(about his money) and the fact that he doesn't have a "real" job stacked on top of crushing bills, Jeremy wants to get out of his current situation more than I do. With a decaying relationship with his dad and a slowly growing relationship with his mom he wants to get out but would not be able to support himself with what he makes cleaning with his mom alone. Me- now it is my turn to analyze myself and I will try to be bias. So my situation is kind of in the middle of the previous two, I have been at my job for about two and a half weeks and so far has only received $85 so far but I will be getting increasingly bigger paychecks the further I get into season. Now I do not have a really good relationship with my parents especially of late because they have technically stole $3,000 from me. On the outside it would seem everything is alright but I put on a rouge to make it easier to live here for as long as I have to, if I were to call them out and start telling them how I honestly feel than I suspect it would be an even greater hell to live in than it is now. But I truly don't have a person that I can honestly talk to about anything I feel I must always keep stuff in no matter who I am talking to. I don't know I just find so much comfort in keeping to myself, now don't get me wrong I absolutely love hanging out with true friends like Jeremy and Chris and Eric. I almost feel as if I am destined to be alone and it sucks so bad cause though I find comfort in myself I don't believe that I could be alone my whole life. I always think about will I find that someone that I can truly love and truly love me in return, but I also think about who could honestly love me I mean seriously I can't see myself with a girlfriend or wife. I disgust myself. I have actually cried myself to sleep thinking about all this stuff, I so desperately want change but to do it I need to get out of this house, being in this house and this family holds me down and makes me keep living this horrible life that I don't wanna live, that's why I need to get out of here and be the person that I wanna be I am tired of living this lie of a life with my "family". Seriously Fuck this life. Fuck this family. Fuck this house. Fuck my existence in this world. It is not like anyone honestly would know I was gone except maybe my close friends, I know my family could care less. I don't want to do this anymore I don't want to act on a daily basis. I don't want to act like I care anymore. I don't even want to finish this blog anymore.......

I lie here alone and wonder why
That I come alive, just before I have to hide.
Because I believe I'm losing my nerve
But could I ever do better than this
Because all I ever wanted was a place to call my home
To shelter me when I am there and to miss me when I'm gone
All I ever wanted was a place to call my own
Where stars will dance and sun still shines and the storms feel free to roam
If there's a way to a remedy then lead me straight to it
If there's a path or a door I missed , then show me now, show me this

Fuck this shit I need a way out, I need to get out of this house and away from this family I cant fucking take this anymore. I am doomed to loneliness, I don't know what to do anymore I hate that I have to continue this shitty life. And now I fear that I will be trapped in it indefinitely. Once I leave I am never ever coming back whatever fuck this shit

Fuck Everyone!